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[19 Feb 2013|05:48pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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so this is it. tomorow i ship off to South Carolina for basic training. then in may i go to Virginia i believe for my AIT. i won't be back until like july, but when i get out with like $17000 im going on a huge ass road trip to visit everyone. so that will be fun. i dunno if im getting shipped over seas or not, but if i do i will have no time in between. so if i don't come back, goodbye.
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[12 Jan 2012|06:30pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
lived in Dover, Madbury, York, Newmarket, Hampton, and tried to quit smoking
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
not yet, but its a biggun
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Cass
4. Did anyone close to you die?
not in the sense thta they're body has deceased, but i'd say a few people very close to me before are dead.
5. What countries did you visit?
Canada
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
a girl who won't lie to me, some place to call home, a life in which im not always ducking warrants and trying to find a warm place to sleep, a steady job, financial security, and to never have to pretend im happy again
7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
none because i was fucked up for the whole year and i don't remember any of it =D
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting my GED
9. What was your biggest failure?
life
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
nothing to severe
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Story Of The Years cd
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Donut for thinking of other people, Jake for always being a true friend, Dionne for always looking out for me even when it could fuck him
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Joe, Deedra, Cassie, Frenchy, my mom.....
14. Where did most of your money go?
food, weed, gas
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
nothing that was ever worth it
16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
all the new NIN, I Predict A Riot by the Kaiser Chiefs, Love In A Trash Can by the Raveonettes, Riot On The Radio by The Dead 60's, Crossfade, Story Of The Year
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? hard to say, it could go either way
b) thinner or fatter? almost exactly the same
c) richer or poorer? poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
anything productive
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
drinking, drugs, sex with ugly people
20. How will/did you be spending Christmas?
i think i got really drunk by myself
22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
for how long it took me to answer that, im gonna say i don't know
23. How many one-night stands?
4
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Invader Zim or Aqua Teen
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i don't really hate anyone
26. What was the best book you read?
i didn't read any books
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Dead Sixties
22 20s
Mad Season
NIN
28. What did you want and get?
nothing
29. What did you want and not get?
lol im not even gonna try
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
i really liked Charlie And The Chocolate Factory so fuck anyone who didn't
31. What did you do on your birthday?
my birthday is in exactly 1 week. and i will probably get fucked up alone
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
a house, a car, a family, money, a bathroom, a bed, and no lying assholes
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
the same as its been for ten years, grungey me
34. What kept you sane?
drugs, funny to think about
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Trent Reznor
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
nothing
37. Who did you miss?
Cassie, Kaitlyn, Joe
38. Who was the best new person you met?
oh i met so fucking many peple this year....
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
people are shit, and everyone is better than you, and far more fucked up than, at the same time. human nature causes your wants to contradict needs and this body is disposable, so the wants that it has are unnessacary, however with the society we live in being directed to need wants to survive, the entire world is killing itself and i feel like for knowing that im dooming myself. ultimatly ignorance is bliss.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
i can't do that right now
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[11 Jun 2005|04:22am] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
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my goodness. tonight was graduation. and i went and saw lots of my friends graduate, and lots of cats i used to go to school with. it was prettty cool. pretty fun, lotsa hugs and handshakes and such. then we went to Jessis little afterparty, which was mostly her fmaily but goddamn, what delicious food. they're os rich, their house is so big, and they have a huge family,m and a big pool and we went swimming in a thunderstorm. she had a damn band at her party, i was just like yikes. you're rich. i live in my car. lol. then we came back to Mikes and people showe dup with beer so we drank. oh boy did i drink. one game of beirut went into quadruple overtime man. thats like 5 or 4 in a row or something. i don't know, it was nuts. im so drunk. but i feel ok. so i must be real drunk. i have to work tomorow. bad news bears. mad bowls tonight, like....9. and some bongs. it was cool. its crazyness. crazyness. i can't sleep. everyones crashed with someone lol. Tonya and davis in one room, tori and some guy in one room, and cook in some girl in the other, where i was till they started fucking which is gross. fucking gross. holy shit ew groww nasy. not really fucking though, just kissing wicked loud and moaning and shit, it was weird. shes wicked loud, i got scared and ran away. i ran out here to find everyone crashed and i have no where to go so im typing. haha! fuck i have to work tomorow. no oens on to talk to so im tlaking to myself. i don't know whyy i am so awake., madness. probably to fucked up. dun dun dun. i wish i could go slepe in my car but theres no way i could drive and i don't wanna sleep in the drive way, its so hot outside. fuck its gfonna be hoit tomorow. im losing the ability to type now. i can't really see much anymoe so im fonna stop. sweet drea,s. i found a cool way to type. type the keeys in the beat to funky town. doo doo doo doo doo doo dood ood ood o
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[10 Jun 2005|12:52am] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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haha chipper. im so fucking chipper.
ah, so. Yorks fucking rocks, i love working there. so far I've done Paddle boats, bumper cars, go carts, ferris wheel, and super slide. i do paddle boats every weekday when the parks not open, and rides on the weekends. i like the weekdays cause the paddle boats are in the zoo and i can look at the animals and hot zoo keepers, but i like working on the weekends better because rides are funner, and the girls who work in the park are much cuter. haha yeha, thats all that really matters. on the paddle boats i sometimes just sit there for hours doing nothing, but theres this stick with a hook im supposed to pull in boats with, so i sit there and spin it around and try to pass it behind my back and do cool shit.... yeah im pretty much a ninja now, im so awesome at it. not to brag, but the other day mutant crocodiles emerged from the water to attack these princess' and heros who had to give me their weapons to ride the boat, so they were defenseless, and i saved all of them with my stick skills, when i fought the mutant gators. so yeah, i think i hit ninja status.
the only thing that sucks is i remember going to Yorks with my family, and i see all these happy kids with their dads and i really miss my dad. it sucks. but at the same time it makes me real happy to see kids with their dad.
i guess im getting kicked out of the place im staying in a week. the day before i have court to see if i can keep my license. lol living in my car with no license and working in another state is going to become quite the predicement i imagine. but life just wouldn't be fun if it were easy, would it?
i have 13 or so beautiful plants budding. they smell so delicious, they are so beautiful. they are my delicate little flowers. my precious children and i love them. this is the first time i've ever grown anything, it feels gooooooood.
so to pay off rent i owe and make my fines, im not gonna have money to save for about a month. which sucks. i need to save every cent i make this summer because i won't make another winter in my car. its so cold! and i don't think my car will make it either.
i think im gonna live in a tent this summer. again. oh boy!
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[27 May 2005|08:15pm] |
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mood |
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content |
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yo yo, gots me a job at Yorks Animal Mutha Fuckin Kingdom. Operatin rides bitches, hell yeah. soooo many damn hot emo chicks applied... i was just looking around.... its either total fuck up dudes, or damn hot emo chicks. and emo chicks are by far the hottest type of chicks. you can argue, or say otherwise. but you're wrong. you're dead wrong. emo chicks are fuckin hot. well. not the 300lb black hair all black clothes sarcastic chicks who listen to A Perfect Circle and NIN cause they are "dark." no no no... im talking the chicks you find at The Used shows and taking Back Sunday and that shit. i dunno why, but the cutest girls love emo. im hoping to get into a possition where i can work with the monkeys. because monkeys rock. Monkeys and Emo chicks. sounds like a dman fucking good summer to me.
when im happy. i yell. ALOT.
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| Come on and hit me with your best shot |
[25 May 2005|07:36pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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know what would be fun? if everyone was very open with everything. and told you.
"hey, you're a shitty singer"
"hey, you're loose as a goose, suck at giving head and i think of someone else when im with you"
"i hate hanging out with you because you smell"
"you creep me out alot, and so i don't like being alone with you"
"i think you're much more of a slut then you realize, but you are too fucking self absorbed and convinced that your shit doesn't smell, that even people who have been with less people than you, you look down on."
"you're just a fucking idiot."
"you're not a good liar. you're a terrible liar. i know that you lie on a daily basis and think you're clever enough to get away with it, but when you're not around we all tell your lies like stories because they are so ridiculous that we just sit around and laugh."
"you're scum, you're a lowlife lying worthless piece of shit who i wouldn't trust to flush the toilet for me. you're pathetic, a horrible liar, and you're one of the dumbest fucking people i've ever met, to the point that when you do accomplish something, we compare your intelligence to that of a laboratory chimp. no exageration. no lies."
"You are the very thing you despise. that which you seem to rebel against, is you. you are too cocky and convinced that nothing you do is wrong, to even realize that you fit the mold completely. open your fucking eyes"
"open your fucking motuh. people are creeped out by how quiet you are."
"these things you do for attention, and then brag about, people laugh at you for, and hold you in lower regards. 'what kind of fucking idiot thinks they could pull that off?' YOU"
I'm honestly curious at the terrible truths of my own that go unseen. what do people say of me when im not around? am i just a sick person who is so insecure about his own flaws that he feels the need to point out others? maybe. but even if you have to post annonymously.... im curious.
Hit Me
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[16 May 2005|04:21pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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it sucks when one of your best friends gets a car. especially when you realize the only reason they were friends with you, is because you had a car. and then you never hear from them again. you miss them. miss hanging out with them. but realize they don't. ouch.
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| Ms. De Vries |
[12 May 2005|02:01pm] |
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mood |
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 exanimate |
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do you remember when we used to be friends. and we'd go on adventures to goose island, and hang out at wiswall, and be Indians at fires. the hand print tribe. laying on the couch at Katies, watching movies. you were my buddy. my best friend. and i miss you. can we go back before the relationship, and before the drama, before the lying and the shit hit the fan. before i was an asshole. I'm sorry.
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[09 May 2005|12:37pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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this whole thing was useless. i could've just said "i've done everything"
[x] smoked a cigarette
[x] smoked a cigar
[ ] madeout with a member of the same sex
[x] madeout with a member of the opposite sex
[x] crashed a friend's car
[x] stolen a car
[ ] been in love
[x] been dumped
[x] shoplifted
[x] been fired
[x] been in a fist fight
[x] snuck out of your parent's house
[x] had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
[x] been arrested
[x] made out with a stranger
[x] gone on a blind date
[x] lied to a friend
[ ] had a crush on a teacher
[x] skipped school
[x] seen someone die
[ ] had a crush on one of your myspace friends
[x] been on a plane
[x] thrown up in a public place
[x] purposely set a part of myself on fire
[x] eaten sushi
[x] met someone in person from the internet
[x] had real feelings for someone you knew only online
[x] been in an abusive relationship
[x] taken painkillers
[x] loved someone
[x] laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
[x] made a snow angel
[x] had a tea party
[x] flown a kite
[x] built a sand castle
[x] gone puddle jumping
[x] played dress up
[x] jumped into a pile of leaves
[x] gone sledding
[x] cheated while playing a game
[x] been lonely
[x] fallen asleep at work/school
[x] used a fake id
[x] watched the sun set
[x] felt an earthquake
[x] touched a snake
[x] slept beneath the stars
[x] been tickled
[x] been robbed
[x] been misunderstood
[x] won a contest
[x] ran a red light
[x] been suspended from school
[x] been in a car accident
[ ] had braces
[x] felt like an outcast
[x] eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
[x] had deja vu
[x] danced in the moonlight
[x] hated the way you look
[x] witnessed a crime
[x] pole danced
[x] questioned your heart
[ ] been obsessed with post-it notes
[x] squished barefoot through the mud
[x] been lost
[x] been to the opposite side of the country
[x] swam in the ocean
[x] felt like dying
[x] cried yourself to sleep
[x] played cops and robbers
[x] recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
[x] sang karaoke
[x] paid for a meal with only coins
[x] done something you told yourself you wouldn't
[x] made prank phone calls
[x] laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
[x] caught a snowflake on your tongue
[x] danced in the rain
[x] written a letter to santa claus
[x] been kissed under a mistletoe
[x] watched the sun rise with someone you care about
[x] blown bubbles
[x] been to a bonfire on the beach
[x] gone rollerskating
[x] had a wish come true
[x] worn pearls
[x] jumped off a bridge
[x] screamed penis in public
[x] ate dog/cat food
[x] told a complete stranger you loved them
[x] kissed a mirror
[x] sang in the shower
[x] have a little black dress
[x] had a dream that you married someone
[x] glued your hand to something
[x] got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
[x] kissed a fish
[x] worn the opposite sexes clothes
[x] been a cheerleader
[x] sat on a roof top
[x] screamed at the top of your lungs
[x] done a one-handed cartwheel
[x] stayed up all night
[x] didn't take a shower for a week
[x] eaten an apple that you just picked
[x] climbed a tree
[x] had a tree house
[x] are scared to watch scary movies
[x] believe in ghosts
[ ] have more then 30 pairs of shoes
[ ] worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
[x] gone streaking
[x] played ding-dong-ditch
[x] played chicken
[x] played chicken WITH CARS
[x] been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
[ ] been told your beautiful by a complete stranger
[x] broken a bone
[x] been easily amused
[x] caught a fish then ate it
[x] watched porn
[x] made porn
[x] caught a firefly
[x] laughed so hard you cried
[x] cried so hard you laughed
[x] mooned/flashed someone
[x] had someone moon/flash you
[x] own a britney spears cd (-unfortunately)
[x] forgotten someone's name
[x] slept naked
[x] french braided someone's hair
[x] been so happy it hurt
[x] been so sad it hurt
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[03 May 2005|12:12am] |
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mood |
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 envious |
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i see my legs. covered in blood. smeared around, turning my entire leg red. lacerations on my chest with streams of blood running down my belly, pooling on the crease on the top of my shorts. holding my head in my hands i pull my hands away from my face and look at the pools of blood in my palms. a tear drops and clears a spot of skin on my fingers. i wipe my hands on my biceps and squeeze myself at the same time, then pick up the gun again. i pull the dart out of my forehead and blood squirts out across my legs and my feet, and onto the carpet. and then i feel it stream down my face, and watch it drip onto my stomache. put the dart back in the gun. raise the gun to my face. and fire. the dart hits the bone of my forehead and bends up, under the skin. like an IV. i pull the dart out and blood shoots out again. and i put the dart, soaked in blood, back into the gun.
i have the memory. i have the desire. i can feel my forehead. its very much more, present for me. i'd don't normally think about my forehead, who does? you don't flex it or use it, or rub it, or anything its jus there. i don't feel it, but i can feel it. i want to do it again.
its all i see at night. when i close my eyes. the terrible things i used to do to myself alone in the darkness. that feeling of lonliness. that feeling of being completely alone in the world. the darkness. the pain. the hate. i want it all back. it hurt so bad. it scared me so bad. and i want it back. at least in that world you couldn't hurt me. at least i knew i was alone. at least i expected pain. i like the darkness. and i like the voices. every night alone, was a thousand years for me. sometimes a thousand years of gained wisdom. sometimes a thousand year battle. with myself. with invisible forces. with things i still don't understand today. the silence. i miss the silence. i miss the fear of not knowing if i'll wake up. be it my own hands, or whatever else was there with me. which could have in fact, just been me.
its all still there. i know it is. i know that my world still exists. when im alone, i can be there. but no one else understands it. no one else can see it, or hear it, or feel it. the people in my world are sick like me. the voices in my world are real, and they don't hide shit. they don't tell me it will get better cause they know it won't. i have to tell them im ok. and that they are wrong, when i know im not because its all me and i can't seem to beat it. i know it. i understand quite alot of what happens. i just don't understand everything yet. i know that half of my life isn't real. alot of my memories, never really happened. sometimes, i wonder if everyone i know now is real.
unsettling memories. dreams? im not sure. i wish i had some way of knowing if i really did certain things. maybe im alot sicker than i know. clearly i have the ability to supress terrible things that happen to me. or that i do to me. what else is hiding under my memory?
I have no motivation to accomplish anything in life. no drive. no sense of responsibility. all these things are necassary for existing in life. for moving on. but as far as im concerned, im already dead. i have no plans for the future. no goals. no dreams. no hope. im not suicidal, but if i die right now. who gives a shit?!?! i don't. its like the stereo i have for my car. i could install it, with some work and money, but my car is dying. and as soon as i install it and am happy. the car will die. and as soon as i work hard at it and am finally happy. im probably going to die. and it will be useless. i'll probably kill myself too.
fuck you, thats not a threat, or a claim, or anything. its a fact. we all know eventually i'll kill myself. we've discussed it.
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[03 May 2005|12:00am] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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i feel so lame even talking about girl drama. like, i feel absolutely pathetic feeling depressed over a girl. with all the things that have happened to me, and all the useless shit i seem to put myself through, i still become very emotional over something as lame as feelings for a girl. to be fully honest, the whole Dee Joe thing hurt alot. i mean my good friends decided it would be better to hide the truth from me, then tell me. it still hurts to be honest, and i really don't think i like Joe anymore. somehow Dee is still my buddy though. i think Dee knows she is really desired by everyone, and is a super flirt. its hilarious that all of us have had a thing for her now, and i think she knows it, and loves it. she knows damn well Cook, Joe, Jake, I..... everyone was just... gap jawed head over heels stupid for her. so now, i feel stupid for ever feeling anything, and for letting myself listen to her when we had our talk. i see her pretty much daily, and i think i'm becoming more and more of an asshole to her. i don't mean to be, she really is like my best friend. but, i guess i don't care as much anymore. i don't feel i need to impress her because i don't care. which is nice. she used to consume my thoughts. like, i think about her alot. i really liked her alot... but now that i am kinda like, wow Dee sucks. my head is totally free. so now im back to my questioning everything self enlightenment bullshit that always just makes me depressed. theres no other girls in my life really. any that are, think im with Dee. shit, half my friends have thought we were together, and i couldn't explain to Chris that we've never fucked the other day. he seems to be convinced we have and won't accept "no" for an answer. as is the case with alot of people. they think more has happened than has. fuck. when i had a girlfriend, one day in dee told me a bunch of shit that made me break up with her the next day. then she fucked my best friend, and the other girl doesn't talk to me anymore. i lost Cassie because i told her i liked Dee. like, fuck. damnit Dee. damnit. i guess I'm just accepting that we will always be friends. very good friends no doubt, but nothing is ever going to happen. and if it does, i will stop it. because anything past friend status with Dee clearly ends in me heartbroken.
drunk chicks keep calling mne. trying to sell a fish. they wanted to have phone sex last night. have i mentioned this before? every week or so these drunk girls call me and tlak ot me for like an hour. im not sure who they are yet, but its been going on for monthes and i've been catching clues, i think i know who it is.
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[02 May 2005|01:47pm] |
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mood |
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cold |
] |
ah, much goes on. i haven't updated in ahwile but i just don't feel like it. whats happened... hmmm... to be honest i don't know. i can't remember what happened yesterday. i guess if i get found i might go to jail. thats fun.
i always took had great pride in my friends. i thought they were all good people. there were times when i said "well, at least i have my friends." yeah my friends suck. i don't feel like naming who because, even though they suck, i still see them alot. and im sure they read this. but know well, you suck. and i am angry. and i truely hope some of you will just slowly get the hint and fade out of my life. because i don't like you. we share the same friends, so i can tolerate. but if i had my way i would just kick you in the balls, spit on you and walk away. you're scum. absolute fucking scum. i realize I'm no angel, in fact, I'm a terrible person. but you're lower than shit in my eyes.
Don't fucking lie to me. please, don't fucking lie to me. don't hide things, don't bend the truth, don't manipulate shit. i'm so fucking tired of being lied to, because you all fucking suck. hasn't everything you tried to lie about come into the light anyways? and wasn't i MORE angry because you lied to me?
i don't really know what i have anymore. i'm certainly not happy. i get scared by the things i hear and see and i can make them go away anymore. i've contemplated letting them just give me the pills to make it stop, but i know that they only kill my mind and change me. and it won't make me better, i just won't realize it? kinda like a pill form lobotomy. i don't know, doctors scare me because i don't trust them.
i'm having trouble sleeping. well, i mean, i can sleep, but my nightmares are very unsettling, and bring me to a state of quiet thinking in the dark in tears for hours. its not healthy to wake up and the first thoughts through your head to be of suicide. just to make it stop. i just lay there, motionless, trying to be quiet, sometimes i cry into my pillow on the floor, because cook is in the bed next to me and i don't want to wake him. but i think im moving back into my car. his mom wants 60$ a week. 60$ a week to sleep on a floor and feel uncomfortable in the house when Mike isn't here so im never here. no, i think i'll be fine living in my car, thanks. i can't swing 240$ a month, and it doesn't seem worth it to me. i really don't mind living in my car anyways. well, actually i could swing 240$ a month, but im not going to. i'd much rather save up and just get an apartment with whoever. lol all the people i had plans to live with 6 monthes ago turned out to be liars and thieves though. not the kinda cats i wanna live with.
is it ok that I'm 19 and i still talk to people who, as far as anyone else is concerned, aren't real? i don't want to say "imaginary friends" because as far as im concerned they aren't imaginary or friendly. but i know im not alone. i don't know if i believe in ghosts, or if I'm just insane, or maybe its a big conspiracy and you all pretend that they don't exist but they do. i realize the unlikelyness of that occurance, however, nothing is out of the question!
I've been having some serious issues with memory. i think i made up memories. and some of the ones that happened, im not so sure about. i don't really understand, so i don't expect you to. but, i wonder if some of my memories are lies i told myself. coping through suppresion. is suppresion a word? i think it is, and if it isn't, you can probably figure out what i mean. and if you can't, piss off. you're an idiot. i don't need you misinterpreting my words. that may be spelled wrong. im high! fuck off! anyways. i was sitting at a stop light questioning everything that has happened to me. some nights feel like dreams but i have the scars to show they weren't. and some dreams feel so real that i can't decide if they happened or not. all i can remember is darkness, and a feeling of being completely empty. I'm scared of falling back into that hole. back into my darkness that is so lonely and so scary that i can't even say i just want to kill myself to make it stop. because i tried. a few times.
i typed alot more here, and then decided i shouldn't post any of it. and erased it. i don't feel like writing anymore.
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[13 Apr 2005|03:37pm] |
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mood |
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chipper |
] |
check it out I'm chipper. wtf is chipper? chip chip chip chipper and dale.
Rescue Rangers
chip chip chip chip and dale
when theres danger.
dale dale dale dale dale dale dale dale dale no one ever said it enough, what makes chip so special? i liked dale. no wait, Dale was goofy, i liked chip. nevermind.
today i laid in the sun by Hennesse (Cooks pitbull) for a long time. it felt very good to lay in the sun. dogs know where its at dude, they know. we have gamecube, xbox, all kinds of toys, cds, all that shit. laying in the sun rocked it. laying in the sun is heaven. unfortunately the sun is all but gone now. well, its still there, but its not the warm afternoon sun. its a dying sun.
not next weekend, but the weekend after, i am going camping. i don't care if i go by myself, but im going camping. i asked some of my friends to come, like Dee and FYW and them. but anyone can come. they are all bringing cats to i think, i dunno. I'm not looking for an outrageous party, just a chill weekend with my friends. obviously some partying though.
my back still hurts, but not as bad as before. fuck back pain. its all because i said two weeks ago "well i never had back problems before." fucking karma.
i think im going to have a campfire tonight. yup. i am. wanna come?
a nice sunny day can make all your depression and bad thoughts go away.
i guess theres a thousand ways i could look at it, and feel depressed, and realize it sucks, but nope. Life is good. =D
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[08 Apr 2005|11:34pm] |
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Hurt my back. wicked.
Toys R Us is screwing me out of hours.
Lost my license. managed to avoid jail, but i owe them $400, which really isn't that bad at all.
Kinda living at Cooks.
Hurt my back again, worse. may have to go to the hospital as its swolen out my ass.
Lame girl drama.... not really worth mentioning, except for the fact that she has my Used cd, my Paranoid cd, my Down cd, and my Opeth cd.
Hopefully i can blast down to NY this weekend to see Jennay.
it doesn't seem like much, but it took me over half an hour to write that. so yeah.... I'm done.
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[21 Mar 2005|09:55am] |
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ooooooo madness. whats up mutha fucker? hows shit going, well, i had a girlfriend for like, 2 days. Becca... i went to a party with her on St Pattys day. it was lame at first cause everyone knew eachother and i didn't know anyone, but then once the alcohol got there, and i had a bottle of Jose Cuervo to myself, it livened up. tripping, drunk, and high, i recall sitting in a dark basement, surrounded by whips, bras, handcuffs, all kinds of shit, in a circle with a bunch of kids talking, and a girl in the middle of the circle tied to the cieling, and people were spanking her with this paddle. but let me tell you, this chica LOVED the spankings. she fucking loved it. after that i don't remember much. but the next day people just kept telling me what i did. and i had bite marks on my neck and scratches on my back. yeah. so the next day me and Becca were, kinda together and i was like hey. this is going pretty damn fast... i met you a week ago. i told her we can see what happens. i mean shes fun, i like spending time with her, shes funny.... i could see it happeneing eventually, but.... not yet.
on another note, i guess Dee read my journal entry about me thinking we should be "friends with benefits." i didn't know she still read this. my original plan was to present the idea to her, but being as i have no balls, i never did. well.... she presented the idea to me. completely unexpected, i was just like "guhhhh...." obviously, in my opinion, its a terrific idea. i see no bad side to this. a little more orgasmin' for everyone eh? everyones happy. especially me lol. but i dunno, after we talked for awhile she just kinda, took my hand off the shifter and held my hand... i dunno... like, i've really liked her for a year now, and never thought we'd be anything more than friends. that little gesture meant so much to me. i could've melted... but i was driving so i didn't. on the other hand i always knew there was something there ;) she had a friend, who was a friend for a long time. then stuff happened between them, and he stopped being her friend or something. so i think shes scared of losing me too. but seriously, shes my best friend, and shes GORGEOUS. if we go a little beyond friends.... why would anything change? i only see good things to come. i guess she just needs to see it.
Dr Seuss' quick fix prescription? "Lady Deedra the answer is clear, you simply need to pounce onto him like some kind of rabid jungle cat and have wild crazy jungle sex for hours. and then probably eat some ice cream cake."
hot damn, i love ice cream cake. who doesn't? you show me someone who doesn't like Ice Cream cake, and i will kill them, to ensure that EVERYONE loves ice cream cake.
i wonder what exactly jungle sex is? i think it sounds exciting. erotic. orgasmatronic if you will.
you know, maybe i am a little innebriated right now. so what. i will eat your soul.
hopefully Toys R Us is gonna call me and tell me i have a job today.
i went and hung out with Kaitlyn yesterday, i missed her alot, so i went to her horse show thingy. turns out im still allergic to horses and hay. i was dying for like 3hrs. and horses love to rub their heads up against me, cause they know im allergic. they have to be over affectionate, you know. bastards. but it was cool to see her again. shes definatly one of a kind.
crazy, i haven't seen or talked to Cassie in so long. i guess maybe she is mad at me or just doesn't like me at all anymore. i dunno. i called her the other day and told her to call me sometime and we would hang out. everytime i call her shes with Shawn though. at least shes happy with him. I'm glad shes happy. i miss her though. just cause she used to be my buddy. like, relationships, and lying, and all that aside. she was still my friend. and i thought we were always gonna be friends, but i guess she doesn't see it that way.
shit this whole entry is abotu girls. thats so gay. ha!
all my friends are such liars. I'm so tired of stupid pointless lies. made up stories to make them sound cool. fantasy girlfriends who don't exist. fake jumpings. fake fights. fake gangs. fake lives. exagerated everything. one kid smokes a bowl he tells you he smoked a pound. like honestly, you're not any cooler in my eyes if you smoke weed or shoot up heroin. if you eat a pound of shrooms or a cap. if you sold an eigth today or 10lbs. doesn't matter. does not fucking matter. i don't fucking care. i don't think people should be making things up to impress me. or anyone. its silly. absolutely absurd. is that spelled right? absurd? i dunno. anyways. its just unnessecary. i know thats spelled wrong.
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[16 Mar 2005|02:15pm] |
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I am very happy right now. Toy'R Us finally called me back for an orientation today. i got the job! hooray!
i met a girl the other day. her name is Becca. she works with my buddy Dionne, and since he works in a pizza place, and gives me free pizza constantly. I'm usually there. i dunno, i walked in wearing my Tool shirt, and she was wearing a Tool shirt and listening to Lateralus, and i was like hmmm. this girl is cool. plus shes cute as hell. she wants to go to some party tomorow, and we're going to the movies on friday. shes fun. i like hanging out with her. we shall see what happens.
I'm planning to do good with this job. I'm saving every cent i earn towards getting a place to live. i think now that i've quit everything, it shouldn't be to hard. shits expensive, and is gone very fast. I'm hoping to actually get a second job, two of my friends who work at dsifferent pizza places have said i can probably get a job so working at either would be fine. i want to work, alot, and make alot of money. its not like i have anything else to do. i used to just drive around, often for 10 12 hours a day, doing not a damn thing but driving. not to any particular place. but i needed to drive for my heat to work.
i got my piece consfiscated the other night. we were driving Dionne home because he called me all upset, saying he needed to go to the hospital, and the reason for this mental breakdown was
"everythings, uh... i don't know what to do... Kirsten(his girlfriend) hung up on me, and my dads yelling at me... i dunno"
is that it?
"yeah i just, i need some help, im hoping they can help me"
I'll tell you what the doctor would have done if we brought him to the hospital. he would have listened. stared at Dionne. and then slapped him. slapped him and ponted at the door. he wouldn't even say anything. and i appreciate that he can come to me when he needs help, but, how can he want to go to the hospital over something so silly? and how could he tell me, someone who has been in multiple times for serious problems. he called me almost in tears, and i thought oh shit. something terrible happened. and, his girlfriend hung up on him and his dads yelling at him? Jesus Christ. but anyways back to my initial point. we were driving to his road, and Jake being the terrible driver he is, missed the road, then pulled a U-turn right around a cop. like, we were 2 maybe 3ft from his car, he watched us the entire time. the car filled with smoke. so, he pulled us over. i hid my piece in my boot and jake his his stuff in his shoe and Dionne his his stuff in his shoe. so he pulls us all out, frisks Jake, Jakes fine. frisks Dionne. Dionnes fine. frisks me, and though he didn't look in anyones shoe but mine, he grabs my piece and goes
"whats this?"
"ah, got me"
"gotcha?
"ha, yeah....."
then i had to stand on the freezing ground barefoot for like half an hour. and he asked where all the weed was, i told him i smoked it all by myself. though really it was in their shoes, and so i got a court summons, and they didn't get anything at all. not even a warning. and my piece, that i've had 8 monthes is gone! but at least now when i lose my license, Jake will still have his, and i can get around. and Dionne won't have to go back to jail.
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[10 Mar 2005|08:58pm] |
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well, haven't posted in awhile. soooo much to say. so lazy. well, i guess the most important thing, i almost died the other night. haha no biggie, nothign new. but ti was different. me and my buddy bought an ounce of shrooms and started chomping down. we almost killed the ounce, and eventually, i kinda blacked out. and then i looked up, and i thought i was dead. i started thinking... no... i knew i was gonna die. i was dying. so i started to puke, only i couldn't stand, everytime i looked aroudn everythign was blurry, and would fade to black, and i would puke more... i couldn't puke though. so i had to force it, and it hrut horribly, but i puked until nothing was left but blood. and Jake, well, he was as fucked as i was, only, not puking, so he didn't know what was going on. and i started blacking out again. and here iw as fighting to stay awake, fighting to puke, begging to stay alive. i knew peopel were all around me, and i didn't care. i was askign them to help me, and telling them i was dying and they just watched. (in reality there was no one there, i was just tripping ass) but then i started blacking out again and had jake bring me back to his house. where i had his mom bring me to my mothers house, and she brought me to the hospital. well, apparently i had eaten some poisonous mushrooms as well, somehow Jake didn't get any, but, i had "dangerous levels of toxins in me" so i had to drink charcoal, and they stuck IVs in me, hoooked shit up to my chest, and my stomache, and my legs, and took like 8 viles of blood... it was absolute madness. they were telling me my kidney might fail, my liver might fail, i might need transplants, i might not make it through the night. and how much my life would suck once i got a new liver. they wanetd to keep me for days, and then put me in a 30 day thing. 15hrs later against medical advice i left. because hospitals sucked. and i think im ok. but it was so crazy, here i was, the kid who tried to kill himself half a dozen times ebfore, i've tried to OD. i've tried to kill myself other ways, and i was fighting, begging to live. i dunno... it changed alot for me. it made me feel like my whole life, my depression, was it all bullshit? all this time i thought i wanted to die, and here i could have sat back and probably could've, but i wouldn't let it happen. i dunno, i still dunno how i feel. my whole worlds been flipped around these past few monthes. getting kicked out, getting fired, living in my car, relapsing into depression and then fighting to live..... i dunno. everythings messed up but, i think its gona be ok.
Dr Seuss died about a week ago. it sucked. it hurt alot. i miss her terribly.
i got a job today at Toys R' Us. and im going to apply for welfare soon.
i let my friend read my journals, my real journals, in which i tell my REAL problems, and don't tell people because that makes people afraid of me, and not like me. and he stole my life. his girlfriend told him she didn't trust him and he developed a "rare temporary case of skitzophrenia." I've never been so insulted, so disgusted, and so ashamed. to degrade me, by comparing his girlfriend and him fighting to my problems. he apparently described things as they said in my journal. I'm appauled. i don't even know what to think. i don't know if I'm hurt, or angry, or upset... its sick. its disgusting. to steal my life, to get pity for him. so maybe he can get in some chicks pants. this is a serious problem for me. somethign that i hate, and wish more than anythign it would go away. something i've hid from people for years. something i am so ashamed of, and i let him in. and he stole ME. he stole me from me. and used it to get pity. words cannot describe what i feel.
i've safely managed to avoid any chick drama for monthes. its nice. of course i haven't really had any action, but hey, its a sacrifice. i really like Dee still. i dunno. she makes me happy, and i know she cares about me. i love spending time with her. but nope. nothing. its madness. you know what would be nice? if more girls were ok with casual sex. it doesn't have to mean anything, it can just be a mutual attraction and some fun. friends with benefits, hey. everyones happy that way.
did i ever mention the heat in my car went? yeah almost a month ago. i slept in my car last night, like, the 4th time this week... it was so cold, i ended up waking up at 6 and calling Jake and telling him i was freezing, and i went to his house. Jake is the man. i basically live at his house now. i'd probably be dead without him. if you read this, thank you.
i got My Chemical Romances cd. fucking rocks. new Beck fucking rocks too.
i feel real lonely lately. i dunno. whenever im alone i just think, damn. I'm lonely. but i drive for like, 10hrs a day soemtimes, going no where, because thats the only way my heater works, and i don't actually have anywhere to go. but i think ALOT. sometimes i just sit in my car, just sit there listenign to music for entire days. from when i wake up till when i go to sleep because i have nothing else to do. I'd fuckign kill for a TV. or just heat.
i've been over a week with no drugs. well, weed isn't really a drug and i see no reason to ever stop that. but REAL drugs. none. well fuck you, thats impressive for me. i feel good about it.
i don't wanna sleep in my car tonight. or ever. so, you know.... don't feel wierd calling and askign if i have a place, because, i appreciate it. and, i don't like to call people and ask. because, im an asshole with too much pride i guess.
i dunno, i will try to update again sometime soon.
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[14 Feb 2005|02:31am] |
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hmmmmmmmmmmmmm whats new.
i think Cassie hates me. shes always mad at me. and always saying i said and did things i didn't do. so people hate me, for no reason. her mom came and broke up my friends party the other night cause "he needed a wake up call" well because of her breaking it up and making everyone leave, two of my drunk friends totaled their cars. Cook got a DWI. and i almost got arrested 3 times, having to hide in the woods for hours in the cold. and i had to drive drunk. i said i'd never drive drunk, but i had no choice. so i asked her why it happened. she said she had nothing to do with it. then Josh told me today she told him it was all her. so.... i don't know why its so hard for her to just tell me the truth. apparently her boyfriend wants to kick my ass because im the big bad wolf. lol trust me, you do not want to be on Cassies bad side. i've learned. you complinment her hair, and she'll tell everyone she knows that you raped her and then stabbed her. and she knows alot of people. i don't know why she hates me though.
i say bring it, i know the kid, i could fucking rip him apart. it'd be fun. i still hate him for cheating on and lying to her before so, i wouldn't mind kicking his ass. i dunno, im scared to try and work things out, because everytime i talk to her, i hear more terrible shit i did and said and how im a terrible person, without any of it actually happening. i miss her awful but... i can't deal with people hating me for bullshit reasons. i think she likes to hurt me... i don't know.
everyone i have opened up to, ever, and told things i normally hide away. they've stopped talking to me. and told me they're afraid of me. everyone except Cassie. close friends. girlfriends. family. do you have any idea how much that hurts? to have someone you care about tell you they are afraid of you?
i've been crying alot lately. like a big giant pathetic fucking pussy. i can't help it.
i got kicked out of the place i was living.
i live in my car again....
i've been filling out job applications. but no one wants to hire me.
usually theres some light at the end of the tunnel. something stops me, when it seems theres nothing left. theres always something. but theres nothing. i go to sleep and i don't want to wake up. and starting off everyday with "fuck im still here" generally puts me in a bad mood for the day. i think im doing well though. as far as keeping it to myself and not bringing everyone down with me. I hate being the burden i must be on everyone i know. i don't want to make everyone worry and feel bad. i can't help it. i don't really want to be unhappy. its not like im trying. and I'm not just going pity trip because i live in my car... i can't say everything in here....
I think Dee is pissed off at me... or worse.... and for some reason that bothers me more than anything else. i told her alot of stuff.... i don't want her to be afraid of me. I don't want anyone to be afraid of me. I'm really not very scary.
i play with X-men toys, and I like bubble baths. I love puppies and ice cream. =D
actually i love bubble baths. i haven't had a bath in so long. i can't wait to do that again someday.
i might lose my license in less than a month. all i have left is my car. honestly. thats it. i live in it. everything i own is in it. it is the only thing i have. i even talk to my car, its my best friend. at least it doesn't stop talking to me when i tell it things. or tell people im crazy behind my back. or get scared of me.....
it doesn't make sense. I AM NOT A SCARY PERSON. just because i used to cut myself, and i broke my own arm, and was a little crazy. I'm not some kind of homocidal maniac. quite the contrary, i was always suicidal. unless you're me, whats there to be scared of? and i happen to be me, so i know, im not scared. usually. why should you be? i am pretty sure you're not me.
yay its valentines day. i've never done anything on valentines day. its never meant anything cause i've always been alone. and all my friends are always with their girlfriends... so its actually a very depressing day. i hate it. i asked Dee if she wanted to do something with me.... so far as i can tell its a big fucking "NO."
everyone should see the movie "The Last Horror Movie." its about some serial killer who makes a documentary of his life, and his killings. its very interesting. he makes you question why you're watching, and wanting to see him kill, but then saying hes psycho. i dunno, you have to see it. sadly my friends said he reminded them exactly of me.... which didn't help my whole dilemna of people being scared of me....
i can act tough. I've taken some serious blows and been fine. i've been knocked down, picked up, and knocked down again. i've hit lows, lower than most everyone i know. knowing that people i care about are scared of me, and i don't know why, hurts so bad. i didn't know something could hurt this badly. i don't understand, and i want this to go away.
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[11 Feb 2005|02:54am] |
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things are about to change.
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